In a dazzling demonstration of interspecies multiculturalism, the ruling Socialist Party of Spain plans to introduce a law that will award human rights to apes. The measure should be considered more than a sign of Europe’s superior moral standing. The Spanish birthrate is 1.1 per woman. Prosperity for the Spanish economy demands new sources of labor. At present, the only candidates come from Muslim North Africa, and their pastimes include blowing up train stations, not to mention themselves. Why not, I ask, engage the labor of citizen chimpanzees and unionized orangutans?
It is a little known fact that, while terrorists have come from a multitude of countries and ethnic groups, not one of them has been a great ape.
And yet I have the uneasy feeling of having watched this story before. A reverse Darwinian process is at work. People use apes as workers, then take unfair advantage of ape sexuality (about which, the less said the better), only to find the tables turned, when the apes, too clever to fall for multiculturalism, take over the world. Next thing we know, we are working for them. The hairy grunting thing in the corner office will be the boss (some things won’t change).
It’s not too late to stop this, people. Remember Charlton Heston. Spain must never allow the planet to fall into the paws of those damned dirty apes . . .